Shrinking Violet (a Colors novel) Page 3

  But I’d learned a long time before, that crying about being left out was pointless.

  “Oh, Cassidy, your father and I just need some time to ourselves. I don’t understand why you’re so upset. You’re acting like a selfish brat.”

  I could never understand why two people who detested being parents ever bothered to have a child together in the first place. I was nothing but an inconvenience to the both of them, something they could throw money at to get me out of their hair.

  When Parker and I started dating two years ago, I was so thrilled to finally have someone in my life who was just mine, someone who was there because they wanted to be with me. Being with him meant I had someone to lean on. I filled the hours that my parents were absent with Parker. With him, I never had to be alone.

  When we broke up, I was devastated. I’d poured everything I had into being with him. I didn’t know who I was if not Parker Owens’ girlfriend. The thought of the only thing that was truly mine being ripped away from me had terrified me.

  But when he showed up on my doorstep earlier that evening, the anger and fear had slowly crept away. I thought I’d gotten him back.

  As he reached for his t-shirt and pulled it on with a put-out sigh, like I’d somehow inconvenienced him, that fear came rushing back, crashing into me like a tidal wave.

  “Cass, we aren’t back together. It was just sex.”

  Dread coursed through my body like poison as I jumped from the bed, wrapping the sheet securely around me. Hysteria wasn’t too far behind. “What are you talking about? Of course we are!”

  “Jesus Christ, Cassidy. Chill out!”

  “No!” The panic quickly began to dissipate, morphing into the one emotion I’d learned would protect me from the crippling loneliness of my life.

  Anger.

  If my life had taught me anything, it was that sadness and hurt never helped anything. But anger brought results.

  “You’re an asshole!” I raged, using fury to mask the ache in my chest. “Get the hell out of my house!”

  “Shit, Cassidy, if I’d known you were gonna turn into such a bitch, I never would have come over!”

  “GET OUT!” I screamed at the top of my lungs.

  “Gladly!” he shouted back, grabbing his shoes and storming from the room.

  I stood still as a statue, waiting for the sound of the front door opening and slamming shut before I lost it.

  Deep, gut-wrenching sobs broke free as I fell back onto my bed. God, how I hated feeling that way. I hated my life, my parents, and my cold, quiet house.

  I hated that I would have to wake up the next day and go to school, pretending my life was so perfect and I didn’t have this hole deep inside of me that couldn’t seem to be filled. I hated that I let my anger get the best of me. Every. Single. Time. I hated the loss of control I always seemed to feel.

  I hated that I would eventually let Parker back in again. And again, and again…just so I could drown out the loneliness, no matter how temporary it was.

  But mostly, I hated myself.

  Because I knew I wasn’t a good person. I knew I’d do anything to fill that void…even if it meant hurting someone else.

  Since Carson had come to work on the ranch, I’d been having dreams about my past. Dreams that dredged up memories I wanted to forget all about. So I’d made an extreme effort to stay away as much as possible.

  It took more work to actually avoid a person than I typically put in during my full eight hours, but by some miracle, I managed to prevent any run-ins with Carson for three days.

  Not that it was easy.

  I lost track of the number of times Milly or one of the other workers caught me staring at Carson…particularly when his back was to me and he was bending down working on something. Dear Lord in Heaven. It should be illegal for a man’s ass to look that good in a pair of jeans.

  Gardening had been an escape for me ever since coming to Willow Ranch. It was something I’d never done in my life, but I took quickly to it once Milly showed me the ropes. I used the time for reflection, to think about all the mistakes I’d made in my life and how I’d take the new opportunity handed to me in Texas as a way to turn myself into a better person. In the quiet, among the plants I worked tirelessly to grow and cultivate. I would allow myself to remember the life I used to live. The person I used to be. It was a type of therapy for me. Catharsis via fruits and vegetables.

  How ironic that I spent the first eighteen years of my life balking at the thought of getting my hands dirty and the past four cherishing the feel of the soil beneath my fingers. How times had changed. Gardening cleansed my soul. It was as if I could bury my past sins in the earth and turn them into something better, growing something nourishing in the process.

  Creating something good from bad.

  But for the past three days, my time for self-reflection had morphed into a chance to shamelessly gawk at the unattainable man who had taken over my late-night fantasies.

  “You know, you stare any harder and you’re liable to strain a muscle.” The sound of Lana’s voice startled me out of my daydream.

  “Jesus, woman. You scared the hell out of me.”

  “Well, I’ve been calling your name for five minutes.” She laughed. “You’ve been so busy eye-screwing the new guy you didn’t even hear me.” Lana turned her gaze to Carson and released a sigh. “Can’t say I blame you, though. That boy is fine.”

  If it had been anyone else who caught me ogling Carson, I’d have been humiliated. But Lana was my best friend. A few years older than me, she’d been working at Willow Ranch for three years as our horse trainer. The old Cassidy would have hated Lana, viewing the tall, curvy brunette as competition. But I’d worked hard to shed my old skin. I allowed myself to really get to know her and came to find she was a genuinely good person. For the first time in my life, I had a true friend, not some materialistic, backstabbing girl like the ones I’d surrounded myself with back in Sommerspoint.

  Lana was real, sincere, and as the years passed, the companionship I felt with her had grown into a pure friendship which I cherished wholeheartedly.

  “That he is,” I murmured, letting my gaze wander his way for one last quick moment.

  “You thinking of going for it?” she asked with a tip of her chin in Carson’s direction.

  A loud laugh escaped as I stood and dusted the soil from my jeans. “Absolutely not.”

  “Why not? I’ve known you for three years, Cass, and not once in all that time have I seen you give a guy more than a passing glance. It’s obvious from the drool on your chin that you’re into Carson. Just go for it!”

  She was right. Since moving to Texas, there hadn’t been a single guy who caught my attention…and that was just the way I wanted to keep it. I knew what would happen if I became involved with anyone, and I didn’t want to risk reverting back to old habits. Jealousy and I were fickle friends; things turned ugly when we were together.

  “Not interested,” I lied, knowing her well enough to know she’d let the subject drop.

  “Well, whatever. Forget the hotty ranchhand.” She rubbed her hands, her dark brown eyes full of glee, immediately putting me on edge. “You and I are going out tonight!”

  “What? No.” My partying days were long behind me. Back in high school, I lived for the next party. Anything to get me out of my house and surrounded by a group of people—even people I didn’t really like. Back then, I thrived on drama and attention. Now, I craved quiet peacefulness. I enjoyed the calm serenity of the ranch.

  “Oh, yes, we are! I already talked to Milly, and she’s totally on board. She’s watching Bug tonight, and you’re getting the hell out of the house and living a little! We’ll have a few drinks, dance, flirt with hot guys, make a couple questionable decisions, and you’re going to damn well enjoy yourself if I have to drag your ass out of here kicking and screaming.”

  I pulled off my dirt-covered gardening gloves and ran a hand over my sweat-slicked forehead. “I don’t know, L
ana. I already reached my quota on questionable decisions.”

  After about a year of friendship, I’d finally confided in her the real reason that landed me in Texas. I’d been shocked when she hadn’t judged me on my past and accepted me, ugly scars and all.

  Lana’s face grew stern and she rested her hands on my shoulders, giving me a little shake. “Now you listen to me. You are not that person anymore. You hear me? You’re a good friend, a good niece, a hard worker, and one hell of a mom. You learned from your mistakes. There’s no good reason why you continue to live your life in solitude. You’re done paying, Cass. You’re a good person.”

  “Lana—”

  She cut me off. “You. Are. A. Good. Person. And you deserve to have some goddamned fun!”

  Her dark eyes glinted with fierce determination. She meant every single word she said, and my chest warmed at just how loyal and caring she was. Blowing out a relenting breath, my lips tipped up in a smile.

  “Fine. We’ll go out, but no drinking, flirting, and absolutely no questionable decisions.”

  “Four drinks and just a little flirting with two guys.” I knew when to pick my battles. Lana was dangerous when she was in bargaining mode.

  “Three drinks and one guy.”

  “Deal!” She let out a high-pitched squeal and pulled me in for a hug. “You’re gonna have fun tonight, Cass. I promise.”

  I just hoped new Cassidy could have fun without slipping into old routines.

  “Can I get another?” The curvy brunette who had been sitting across the bar from me all night leaned over again, making sure her cleavage was on full display. Not that I would have been able to miss it; her tits were practically spilling out of her low-cut top without her putting any effort into it.

  I rested my elbows on the bar top, offering her up a smile I knew most women had trouble resisting. “Sure thing, sweetness.” She’d told me her name earlier—Amber or Ashley or something like that—but I couldn’t be bothered to remember it. Names weren’t important, since I had no intention of ever seeing her again after leaving her bed later on.

  I hadn’t even tried to talk myself out of having another meaningless one-night stand. I needed the escape it would provide that night something fierce. It was all I could do to hold out until the end of my shift after the day I had. I got home from working on the ranch earlier, bone-tired and aching in places I hadn’t known existed, to the sounds of Navie’s sobs coming from her bedroom. My stomach plummeted at the sound as I rushed into her room, not bothering to knock despite how much she hated me just barging in.

  “What’s wrong?” My heart pounded in my chest furiously at the sight of her curled-up form on her bed.

  “Go away,” she sniffled, rolling over so her back was to me.

  Yeah, no way in Hell that was going to happen.

  Sitting on the side of her bed, I placed my hand on her shoulder. “Navie, tell me what the hell’s going on. I’m kinda freaking out right now. Did someone hurt you? I’ll kick his ass,” I ground out, already planning on the little bastard’s torture when I found out who it was.

  When she finally turned back over, the tears flowing from her red-rimmed eyes gutted me. With every passing year, my instinct to protect her had grown more and more. As she looked up at me just then, with those sad, dark blue eyes, I was transported back in time. It was just like staring down at that little eleven-year-old girl all over again…scared and sad.

  “Please, tell me what’s wrong, little bit,” I whispered, wiping at her damp cheeks. “I can’t fix it if I don’t know the problem.”

  “Y-you can’t fix everything, Carson.” She sat up on the bed, wiping at the rest of her tears with the back of her hand. “You can’t just go around kicking everyone’s ass who upsets me.”

  “Wanna bet?”

  That earned me a watery giggle. “So, you’re gonna beat up an eighteen-year-old girl for being mean to me?” My stomach churned at the small smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. I knew exactly who she was talking about. Meredith Goodson. That spoiled little brat had been making Navie’s life hell for the past four years. I prided myself on never hitting a woman…especially a girl, but that one definitely pushed me to my limit more times than I could count.

  I spoke between clenched teeth, trying my hardest to reel in my anger. “What did she do now?”

  “It’s nothing,” she mumbled. I knew her well enough to know she was embarrassed by whatever happened when she refused to meet my eyes.

  “It’s not ‘nothing’. You wouldn’t be upset if that was the case, little bit.”

  She sniffled again and wiped angrily at the fresh tears that had just fallen. “It’s stupid. I shouldn’t be so upset.”

  “Just tell me, please,” I pleaded.

  “Meredith told the whole cafeteria that the Woodleys kicked me out because I was so pathetic that no one could ever love me, that I should just do the world a favor and kill myself because I was a waste of air.”

  “Are you fucking kidding me?!” I bellowed, jumping to me feet—to do what, I didn’t know. All I knew was something had to be done.

  “Carson, just calm down. I told you, it was stupid. I shouldn’t let her get to me. She’s just a mean girl.”

  “She’s a bitch, that’s what she is,” I spit out, no longer able to hold in the rage coursing through my veins. “And she doesn’t know what the fuck she’s talking about. You’re the most loveable person on the face of the Earth.”

  Navie let out a derisive snort and rolled her eyes. “Yeah, that’s why my own mom gave me up and why no one ever wanted to adopt me. Hell, Carson, half the foster families I stayed with could barely stand to deal with me. Yeah, I’m real loveable,” she ended sarcastically.

  I wanted to yell, to beat my fists against the wall and rage against the pain she was feeling, but I was helpless. I didn’t know what to say or do to make her feel any better. And every second I had to look at the sadness painted across her face, another piece of my heart cracked. Navie was such a sweet girl. I couldn’t understand how the world could be so cruel—how someone as wonderful as the tiny thing in front of me could have been dealt so many blows in her life. It was moments like this one that made me hate the world for the cruel people in it who fed off the pain of others. If I could, I’d rid the world of every single bully.

  “That’s bullshit, Navie. You’re brilliant and kind. Anyone would be lucky to have you in their lives.” Reaching for her, I pulled her against my chest in a tight embrace. “I’m lucky to have you in my life.”

  We stood like that for several seconds before she finally spoke against my chest. “Thanks, Carson. You’re the best brother I never had.”

  “And you’re the best sister I never had, little bit.”

  It killed me to leave Navie when she was so emotional, but she insisted I work my shift at Miller’s, saying she just wanted to be alone for a little while. I’d hesitated, offering to take the night off, but she swore she would be fine come morning.

  The brunette’s hand reached across the bar, her long, painted nails running along my forearm, pulling me back into the present and reminding me she was the perfect distraction to lose myself in…at least for a little while.

  “Are you getting off soon?” she asked seductively.

  Hopefully, I thought as I looked back at the clock, realizing I still had four hours until closing. After such a shit-tastic night, I was more desperate than normal to grab hold of that euphoric feeling I had every time I buried myself inside a woman. I needed my escape sooner rather than later. Looking back at the chick waiting before me, I had no doubt she’d be down for anything.

  “Not getting off work for a few more hours, sweetness. But I’ll tell you what.” I leaned in and dropped my voice, my breath whispering across her ear. “I have a break coming up in ten minutes.”

  The way her pupils dilated in the dim lighting told me everything I needed to know.

  Game on.

  Good Lord, how had I let Lana talk
me into a girls’ night out?

  On the rare occasion I’d gone out since my move to Texas, I’d always been sure to keep it low-key. I’d been to a few bars in the area, but Miller’s was known as the place to be in Grovepoint on any given weekend. For that reason alone, I typically tried to avoid it.

  The place was packed, bodies pushing and shoving every which way for a place to sit. The dim lighting created a decent enough ambiance, the scent of beer and a tinge of stale cigarette smoke filling the air.

  “Oh, there!” Lana shouted in my ear in order to be heard over the music. “Move your cute ass, Ashworth!” I headed in the direction of the two empty barstools Lana had just spotted.

  Oh, sweet baby Jesus in Heaven, thank God!

  My feet were on fire. Against my better judgment, I’d begrudgingly allowed Lana to raid my closet for an outfit she thought suitable…hence the skin-tight skinny jeans, shear silk top with a lacy camisole beneath, and five-inch red heels that I was afraid were currently filling up with blood from my poor, neglected feet.

  It just went to show how far detached I’d grown from my previous life. I used to live for high heels…specifically anything name-brand. For the past several years, if it wasn’t tennis shoes, boots, or flip-flops, I ran a serious risk of plummeting toward the ground, face-first.

  “Oh, thank God,” I groaned as my butt hit the cushioned seat of the barstool. Judging from the half-lidded gazes of the men around us, I might have been just a bit too loud.

  “Don’t be so dramatic.” Lana laughed, taking a seat next to me. “We were only standing for ten minutes, tops.”

  I gave her a flat look. “I’m pretty sure the skin on the bottom of my feet has been rubbed off. These shoes are torture devices.”